just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
