I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
