I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
