Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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