You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
A bitchslap is in order.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
