on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
