Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
