why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
