Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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