is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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