Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize