I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
home. puking in laundry basket.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
