just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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