Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
there is glitter all over my balls
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
