i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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