You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
