Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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