why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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