you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
