I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
