The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She told me I should be a condom model.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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