FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I am morally bankrupt
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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