I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
