so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
