Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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