The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
