she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
