How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
