This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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