Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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