I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
