it wasn't lemon gatorade
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
