No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
