you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
