She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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