Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
