I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I touched a dick in church today
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