on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
