I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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