i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
