Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
