i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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