I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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