I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize