She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
