just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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