Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Come on in and take your pants off
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