I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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