Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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