I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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