Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
