I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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