masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
