4 words: hood of his car
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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