So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
