Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i love accidental penises.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
