Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
