while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
