I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize