How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
