HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
