The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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