WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
