If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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