At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
