That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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